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 Post subject: Hope is Blind
PostPosted: 090527 08:41 
Legendary Overfiend
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I think about suicide from time to time; there are even some times when I don't think death would be all that bad an alternative to continuing to live. But I don't think there's ever been a time when I've seriously considered taking such a course of action. So, looking at the [grim] prospects of my life, and the disconnect between my ideal vision and reality, and my diminishing confidence in the possibility of reaching any kind of level of personal success, I become increasingly curious as to just what it is that compels me to live.

On the one hand, it's true that I'm very sensitive to pain. But, I'm sure there are less painful - even some painless - ways to die. It can also be a hassle - procuring a gun, or certain chemicals, or whatever is needed for the method you choose. But even if someone were to offer me a black button that, once pressed, would snuff out my life instantly with absolutely no pain or discomfort (and obviously no lingering feelings of regret), I still would not be able to commit myself to ending it (with the possible exception of being asked during certain rare and extremely distressing moods). What, exactly, is it then, that I am clinging to?

And the answer is, probably, blind hope. Which is somewhat startling, considering my penchant for reason. Of course, hope has to be blind, or else it wouldn't be so powerful. Hope endures when everything else is lost. That doesn't mean that hope is always rewarded. But when it is, it kind of proves it's own worth. Still, I don't really believe in hope, and yet, there it is all the same, as if it didn't care what I thought.

I could die today, or I could die decades from now, on my deathbed. What's the difference? That depends on what happens in the intervening time. When I die, will my time have been wasted, or will it have been a worthwhile experience? I suspect I would be hard-pressed to live a completely worthless life (perhaps in spite of what some of you are thinking). Even though I fully expect to be as (or more) disappointed on my deathbed as I am right now, and have been all my life, it's still better than to experience nothing. (That is, assuming we're not talking about extreme unrelenting pain).

Anyway, I once wrote that "if you lose sight of God, then you lose sight of Hope." (This was a long time ago). Ironically, I've lost sight of God, but I still haven't lost sight of Hope. I think if I ever did lose sight of hope, I really wouldn't have any reason left to live. Because I can feel a drive inside of me. As lame as it sounds, I feel like there's something important I need to accomplish, a "purpose" if you will, in my life. It's not the will of God, or any crap like that, but just something deeply important to me. Something I don't fully understand myself. I don't know if I'll ever figure it out, or be able to fulfill that purpose, but the possibility, no matter how remote, keeps me going. As long as I live, there's more to learn, more to discover, and a chance that my shallow hope may be fulfilled. Once I die, that's it. Game over. Taking my own life would be equivalent to giving up on the only thing that's ever truly mattered to me.

I feel kind of sick even explaining it, because it's so cliche. But the fact is, this is a very real feeling that people have (whether it's only some people, many people, or all people). But then people take these pure feelings and they poison it with ideas of God and heaven and higher powers. I'm not serving some all-powerful monarch, I'm serving myself. I am God - or at least whatever there truly is of "God", which isn't much. I guess it's just a difference of perspective. I don't like being so antagonistic, but you know, it really bothers me. Talk of god and religion and ritual is all heresy - blasphemy against the true, pure spirituality that exists untainted - and unpersonified.

I guess if you look at it another way, I believe that everybody is their own God. So when different people profess to believe in the same communal God, yet work against each other's personal aims, or when one person bullies (or attempts to bully) another into believing in his "superior" God instead of the person's own - these are dishonest actions. And thus the people who speak of these sorts of Gods demean themselves - and their Gods - in my eyes.

Well, by this point, I'm just rambling...

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 Post subject: Re: Hope is Blind
PostPosted: 090527 12:45 
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I know what keeps me from suicide in my darkest moments.

I want to know what happens next.


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 Post subject: Re: Hope is Blind
PostPosted: 090527 23:15 
Legendary Overfiend
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You make it sound like interesting things actually do happen.

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 Post subject: Re: Hope is Blind
PostPosted: 090527 23:18 
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Probably because they do.

You might not be interested in new pictures of Mars, or seeing what advances in computers come around, or how the attempt at a new Star Trek series turns out, but I am. Sure, it's not something major, but it's interesting to me.


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 Post subject: Re: Hope is Blind
PostPosted: 090607 04:38 
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I've definitely thought about offing myself a couple of times, for sure. I was going to elaborate more but man, your post just degenerated into yet another "I hate a God that I don't believe in" rant again. Eliminate paragraphs 5, 6, and 7 and you actually have a solid post. Although I do know it's quite easy to slip into rambling, as I do it myself...

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 Post subject: Re: Hope is Blind
PostPosted: 090607 05:37 
Legendary Overfiend
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Hm, invoking God scares you away? I'll have to remember that.

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