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"Don't pretend that you know me, 'cause I don't even know myself."

(10/02/07) A Moment of Honesty

I know little of people, and much of myself - and even that isn't nearly enough. One thing that I believe sets me apart from most is the depth of my occupation with looking within. It may be true that noone judges you as much, or as harshly, as yourself, but I believe that I judge myself more, and harsher, than most people judge themselves (actually, it's a lot more complicated than this). I have one eye cast always within, and the other cast always without - but not judging other people, no, rather that eye is searching for other people's judgements of myself. And so I have two images of my own figure - the one that I see, and the one that I imagine that other people see. Neither one corresponds to the image of myself that other people actually see. For me, 'potential' can be every bit as poisonous as 'actual'.

The imperative question here is how I view myself. That eye that constantly gazes inward, a harsh judge, what does it see? The image is not bright. By all accounts, I am a failure. What chance I might once have had (if that) is gone. The only thing that can save me is an outside force. Completely outside. And I am a master of shutting myself in. So what hope is there, really?

I've never had it. Fate deals you a hand at birth, and part of that hand is your general fortune. Most people would look at my life and say, "you could have had it all, but it was you that gave it away." Well, these people don't understand that my fated misfortune is my character itself. Extreme self-awareness. Perhaps a result of extreme sensitivity, itself evidence of a primary weakness of character. I am not strong. Oftentimes I try to rationalize my existence against a backdrop of "survival of the fittest". If it were that simple, I'd be long gone. But I feel useless otherwise. What point does my existence serve? There are pleasures in life, as there is pain, for me the same as anyone. And though the pleasures don't seem strong enough, even a little bit is worth living for provided the pain is not too unbearable.

I try to rationalize my existence as an artist, my weakness as a source for my art, which in turn heals others. But the sad truth is, by my own standards, I have no talent, and do not possess the determination to expend the necessary effort, on my own, to acquire any such talent, as badly as I want it. For I am also a lazy person, partly inherent in my genetic code, and partly inspired by my discovery of the ultimate truth of life and the universe during my studies as a student of physics. Namely, that we "toil for naught", to put it most simply. (Ironically, I predicted this would happen, years ago). So, then, what is left but to die? And yet, still, I want to live. So here I am, afraid to live, and afraid to die. I am pathetic.

"Left here since birth...
 Forgotten in the river of time...
 I've had an eternity to ponder the meaning of things...
 And now I have an answer...

 Feeble creatures, DIE!"

(1/11/07) zharth's address to the people: The reason I do this thing is because it gives me an opportunity to talk about myself without any of the normal inhibitions of everyday conversation. And so that people who actually care can learn things about me that I usually don't talk about directly. But frankly, I don't know how much use it is to anyone beside myself. I could spend days thinking onto philosphical tangents, all by myself, so doing something like this is good for me. It's like a kind of meditation. But when it comes to sharing with other people...well, if you really wanna learn more about me, it helps if I know what kind of things you'd like to know. And besides, you can get to know me better by actually getting to know me. But then, I guess the whole point of this exercise is to reveal what I think about myself, as opposed to what other people think of me. Frankly, I'd be interested in hearing what kind of a person other people think I am, but that's pretty rare, probably because either 1) other people don't feel comfortable telling me what they think about me, or 2) they don't actually spend that much time thinking about it, so they wouldn't have much to say. But if the latter is true, then do they even really care enough to know what I think about myself? If not, then they're probably not reading this. Ah, forget it. My stream of consciousness is the only place where I really feel like me. Everywhere else is foreign and scary. Let's jibe.

(1/10/07) A Self-Portrait. This is how I see myself, more or less. As a person in the seventh year of the third millenium since the coming of Christ. I'm about to turn 23, in another week. I'm a college graduate. I have a degree in Physics. I'm currently unemployed and not excited about becoming a member of society, or a cog in the machine, as I like to think of it. I know what I like, and I have an idea of what I want in life, but I have no idea how to go about getting it. I remain a man of thought rather than action, for better or worse. Though many things have not changed about me over the years, some things have. I used to consider myself particularly smart. I got good grades. I took an interest in math and science because I believed that answering questions with definite answers was easier than the alternative, and frankly, I had an aptitude for it. Well, that aptitude faded as soon as my motivation died. When I learned that math and science are as subjective as art and music, I decided that I'd rather emerse myself in a field that doesn't expect specific kinds of answers, but rather rewards creativity and individuality. I learned to trust my intuition more strongly. However, I do not have an aptitude for playing guitar, which is the thing that I would like to spend my life doing. Therefore, I find myself searching for a place in society, not good at the things I want to do, and not wanting to do most other things. Primarily, I have a lack of real world experience and I have always been low on confidence. I really hate people that try to tell me what to think, do, or say, though. I like to describe myself in negative terms because I'm a realist, and the things I say are true, at least from my perspective. But there's also a lot of things about myself that I really love, and wouldn't change for the world. It just so happens these are things that are very difficult to express in conventional terms, which is the source of my distaste for society.

I am a strongly atheistic person. I have multiple reasons for not believing in god, all of which make perfect rational sense to me. I understand the need for the 'god force' in human life, and I don't make a point of making enemies with anyone, especially over differences in religious belief, but I do have certain strong feelings against most major religions. I think the drop-off point for most religions is that they try to humanize the 'god force', the divine, that which cannot be comprehended. Also, I don't like the idea of doctrine. I think spirituality is an intensely personal thing, and that religion is a malevolent force for mass-producing it and packaging it for the majority. That's why I like to say that I'm spiritual, while being intensely anti-religious.

One word I like to use to characterize myself is the word 'serious'. I'm a fan of philosophy, and I like to think deep. I also like to broach the big questions, the ones that some shy away from. Comedy is really not my thing, although I can take it in small doses, or if it's in the form of irony or sarcastic humour. I'm less interested in having a good time and more interested in finding my place in the universe. I don't like to shoot the bull, and rarely have a desire to engage in idle chit-chat. People who talk forever can be interesting, but get to be a chore after a while. Sports and politics do not interest me. Horror and fantasy do interest me quite a bit. I like supernatural horror that involves monsters more than slashers where humans are the killers. I like fantasy that takes itself seriously, and doesn't admit that it's not real.

I am also a huge fan of music, which is my primary occupation currently. Although some may consider my taste in music not to be particularly broad, few will argue that it is deep. I am first and foremost a fan of classic rock and roll, but I have also sworn an allegiance to the blues. Words do not speak to me as clearly as a guitar can. I have also flirted with slightly more ambient music, of the more modern kind, from the genre that has sometimes been referred to as 'post-rock'.

I'd like to talk about some dreams I have. Dreams that I maybe don't expect to see ever fulfilled, but dreams that I find the very dreaming of to be helpful in giving me purpose in life. I would love to be a guitar hero, playing in either a huge rock band, or a smokey bar blues band. I would love to be able to pick up a guitar and transform my feelings into notes and intervals, without thinking about it. I would love to be a rock and blues historian, with an impressive collection of music as well as biographical information about the musicians behind it. I also have some ideas for films that I would love to see be made into reality someday. I also have stories, that I'd like to finish writing so that others may read them. I'd like to live by the beach, or own a lakeside house with a dock and a speedboat, or at least live in a warmer climate where it doesn't freeze over every winter. I'd like to meet a girl who compliments my personality perfectly, without the stressful disconnects that lead me to avoid confrontations with everyone else. I'd like to meet someone who can honestly help me lead a more fulfilling life, without either smothering me or leaving me to die alone. But I'm just being selfish, because in the end I can't expect anyone to help me but me. And still I can't overcome my flaws and weaknesses. Which is why I like to dream. It takes no effort, and the boundaries of real life melt away instantly. And when I'm not dreaming, I don't mind wallowing in the shadows of living. At least psychologically, because, as I said, I'm a man of thought, not action.

(5/19/05) About me. It takes a lifetime of experiences to get to know someone. And few people have the privilege of acquiring those experiences with anyone but themselves, and yet we as human beings still have little understanding of who each of us individually really is. Life isn't about knowing people, it's about getting to know who people are. Which is why I'd much rather give you the opportunity to get to know me by example rather than tell you flat out who I am. Because frankly, I don't even know myself. Even the things I do understand about myself are vastly complicated, and frequently contradict other things I have previously learned about myself.

There are two kinds of attributes to a person: the inner details and the outer details. The outer details are more readily apparent, the things you can see just by taking a superficiary glance. The inner details describe the workings of the mind, the subtleties of the personality. In my experience, it seems the outer details are frequently a product of the inner details, and that by examining the former one can gain an insight into the latter. But then again, how can one ever know that the insight that one has gained is anywhere near the reality?

On the outside, what am I? A college student. A science major. An aspiring musician. A unique individual. Lazy. Not a genius, but far from dumb. A loner. A dreamer. A searcher. Already we are moving into outer attributes that are driven strongly by inner forces. Who am I really?

I'm a man of ideas rather than action, principles rather than impulses, of order rather than chaos, creation rather than destruction. I can see a thousand points of light in my head, but none of it shines into this world, and it leaves me sad and depressed. I am searching for something. Something I don't fully believe I can find, but something I nonetheless am unsatisfied to live without. Something that can change thought into reality. Something that can put my abilities into actuality, not potentiality. But something is obstructing the flow of my creativity, and somedays I worry it might just be myself.

In a world so full of people, I am alone. And yet, with a desire to interact with others, I am more comfortable completely by myself. I am a paradox, and this aspect of my personality has taken on a life of its own. Zharth was originally a character I invented for a short story I wrote for school, but he became so much more to me. Zharth is the wanderer, the one who walks the path that trails the boundary between the heavens and the earth, between the gods and the mortals, the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the known and the unknown. He is doomed to walk this path eternally, never to sway one way or the other, but always to be stuck in the middle.

There are two other distinct identities within my total personality. One is Teledhel Cuivienen, the long-haired elf who cherishes the beauty of nature, especially trees, and condemns the rampage of mankind into the wilderness. The other identity is Masamune Shinichiro, commonly referred to as Mashin (akin to English 'Machine'), the martial arts master who specializes in combat with a katana. Of course, these 'personalities' are certainly not split personalities - they are merely different shades of a single total personality, they are all varying aspects that together make up who I am at any given moment.

Dante's Inferno Test - Impurity, Sin...and Damnation I have been banished to the Sixth Level of Hell, where do you belong? Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You approach Satan's wretched city where you behold a wide plain dotted with burning tombs, surrounded by iron walls. Standing guard??? are the three infernal Furies stained with blood, with limbs of women and hair of serpents. Before you are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Inside the tombs (sepulchers) suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife. Make themselves audible by doleful sighs. respite wicked

Level Who are sent there? Tmp Score (11/2004) (01/2006) (10/2007) ----- ------------------- --- ----- --- ----- --- ----- --- ----- Purgatory Repenting Believers -79 -2 \ -92 -2 / -87 -2 \-118 -2 Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers 44 1 / 55 1 \ 33 0 \ 16 0 Level 2 Lustful -6 -1 / 50 1 \ 16 0 / 55 1 Level 3 Gluttonous 23 0 \ 0 -1 / 38 1 \ 7 -1 Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious 16 0 / 33 0 \ 27 0 / 38 1 Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy 20 0 \ 15 0 / 20 0 / 55 1 Level 6 - The City of Dis Heretics 83 2 / 94 2 \ 83 2 / 111 2 Level 7 Violent 34 0 / 39 1 = 39 1 / 47 1 Level 8 - the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers 34 0 \ 15 0 / 19 0 / 30 0 Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous 26 0 / 33 0 / 53 1 \ 46 1 Score: -2 Very Low -1 Low 0 Moderate 1 High 2 Very High

3/28/2006 (1/27/2008) [11/20/2008]

Your Scores
Extraversion E [vs Introversion I] = 21 (16) [17]
Sensing S [vs Intuiting N] = 34 (38) [40]
Thinking T [vs Feeling F] = 43 (44) [43]
Judging J [vs Perceiving P] = 44 (44) [43]

Scores should range between 14 and 70. 

14 to 26 is very low. 
27 to 37 is low. 
38 to 46 is average. 
47 to 57 is high. 
58 to 70 is very high 

Jungian tests traditionally place you in a specific "pigeon hole."  You can do this, too, like this: 

If you scored above 42, choose the first of each pair (E, S, T, J) 
If you scored below 42, choose the second of each pair (I, N, F, P) 
If you scored exactly 42 -- it's just too close to call!

taken 6/17/2006

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